Re-added blog songs. Three Japanese songs at the bottom which Katekyo hitman reborn openings. Its up to you whether or not you wanna listen. Well, duh.

I'm on the verge of tears. Everyday I go to school, there will be a drop of water coming from my eyes, and I just barely keep them in. Ever wondered why sometimes you called me and I don't respond? I'm wiping my tears away without the help of my arms.

I don't think many of you understand at all, the type of responsibility I hold. I don't know whether its just me, or what. I have failed miserably trying to establish myself as the chairperson of my class. I have failed miserably trying to put a deep impression on others. I have failed miserably to keep promises to myself, thus resulting in depression within myself once again.

I have recieved encouragements, from my teacher. Which helped, for a while. Thinking I could make a difference, to make things better. I have crashed back down to reality, none of what I wanted in my life have I accomplished. I have big dreams, or should I say, I used to have them. As a child, I thought, I'd be a soccer player, be famous, earn money, enjoy the game and the atmosphere I get when I walk out onto White Hart Lane playing for Tottenham. Growing older, I thought, I can't play soccer at the highest level, what am I thinking? Fandi Ahmad?

I set my sights on something else, interior desginer. I tried to prepare for such, trying to draw my surroundings here and there once in a while. All I did was draw a basketball net. I don't really have a passion for designing, not at all. Then something else caught my attention, extinct animals.

They interest me bizzarely. I look forward to every episode of History Channel's Evolve and First Apocalypse. But sometimes I miss it, because I'm at the computer. Slowly I forget about all these. Then I think, even if I turned out to be an Eclipsazoologist, what pay would I get? What could I do to provide for my family?

My feet started sinking and gravity seemed stronger. I could'nt "Fly Freely" as I used to. Growing up now, I know things don't just go the way you want it to. Not like when I was child, everything I wanted I had. All I needed to do was shout, cry. I would get it. Its no use now. What was I thinking? What can I do now?

I have no interest in studying in school. But I have to, right? Because my parent's wishes for me to get into college, get into university, be a bright man in the future which potential in every corner. But no, I don't wish to just have that. I want a life, such as of in the movies. I want a life, such as of TV shows. Who doesn't?

I thought, all I can try to do now is get grades that would please my parents, and enjoy school to the fullest. Now that's one idea I've kept. But time's running out, time flies. I'm still a youth, but I know it won't last long. What can I do in the future? If I still live, if the Earth doesn't die.

I'm just like any kid in Singapore. There's probably nothing about me that makes me stand out. So that's why, what I want to do now, is inspire people to lead a more meaningful life than me, those who have more talents and potential than me.

I'm in Singapore. Not in China, not in England, not in the USA. I don't live a life as fun as meaningful as those over there. And so do 4 million other people here. If im not wrong that is, Singapore has 4 million people. I don't even know my country's population, that shows how pathetic I am.

I'm not the luckiest person around either. Not once, has my love life gone well. Well, Im 13 years old, what do I know about love? Its true, I don't. But all the time, because of my own inability to do things, led to my own downfall. Good opputunities, wasted. Promising future, wasted. And so has what happened today proved I'm an unlucky asshole. Is heaven trying to test my guts? I don't know. All I know is that it won't turn out good. Tomorrow will be worse then ever. Things have become awkward. People misunderstand. Because of me. How the hell can I give a positive attitude now? Its not like anybody cares!

I don't want to shout at my friends, but I have to. I don't want to ignore my friends, but i have to, to hide my shame and tears. I don't want to love you, but I have! Someone tell me what to do. I know nobody's going to. But I really need something to boost myself. Its not like I won't make an effort. I promise you, I WILL, make an effort to change for the better. In ways I don't even know, to make a future for myself. I want to be known, in the good way. I want to be appreciated, I want to be cared for, I want to care. Lets hope this is the start of a new me, and new positive hyper me.

I will take another step, I will try as hard as I can. Till I completely breakdown. I will approach things in a different manner. I will let people respect me, look out for me. I will do so for them too. I'm not sure who I am promising, but lets take this as a promise to myself. A first, true promise to myself. Starting tomorrow. Or right now. I will prove I'm worthy of people looking at me. To help them lead a better life for themselves too.

Happy 120th post, blog.

-Renald
I'll give anything but I won't give up, for now.